lonely lola cherry cola girl...

lisa and i saw them filming sex and the city tonight in the village.
sarah jessica parker ran past me as i was walking towards lisa. then we sat outside her trailer. and then she said hi to us. then jennifer hudson walked by. she wasn't so nice and had a huge posse with her. yeah okay.

my socialite coworker who lives in a fancy part of town actually saw mr. big and charlotte right outside her building because they were shooting at a restaurant on her street.

we's a lil obsessed. yikes.

poor form:
- getting slapped across the face at a townie bar in cape cod after attending a wedding by the groom's drunken dickdog childhood friend.

classy lady:
- telling him never to lay his hands on a woman and kicking him in the crotch, then having the bride tell me i looked amazing while doing it. i believe she used the word "superhero" more than once. i can hold my own, thank you very much. and it helps when you're wearing a betsey johnson chiffon number.

poor form:
- drunk texting the boy who stomped on my heart and telling him how much i miss him minutes after a pseduo-date with a boy i am not even remotely interested in. ugh.

classy lady:
- sobering up over a slice of pizza (in reality, sobering up over katie and lisa calling me lame and feeling like a complete dickdog) and then re-texting him "just kidding. nope!"

poor form:
- picking up the phone while my boss is at my desk, only to recognize the voice on the other end of the receiver to be that of the one person i've been avoiding, and he is kinda sorta not really yelling and a panic attack ensues, because who is the loser who forgot to take her meds two days in a row?

classy lady:
- sucking it up, suzy! and not popping more klonopins in the work place.

poor form:
- showing up to work an hour late, showing up to dinner with my mom (haven't seen her in ten months) and grandma (haven't seen her in six? seven years?) late, and then having to leave early because of the sickly spins from withdrawal.

lucky girl:
- grandma slipping over cash monies in a little envelope for a new ipod. yay!


listening to jets to brazil really makes my life better though. best best best ever.

and that is why tomorrow i will be flying out of new york and going away for a couple of days with lisa.

my therapist told me i'm really lucky to have friends who love and care about me so much. she said i must have done something right or else i wouldn't have the amazing support system that i've been counting on so much as of late. i have always been lucky in that respect...

yet it still amazes me how heartless and cold some people can be. it seriously makes me shake and nauseated every time i think about it. my head and heart is still spinny (and it's not in the oh-i'm-so-in-love way anymore). fuck.

It is because you so badly want the best that you sometimes seemingly end up with the worst of all possible worlds. If you want to raise your level of comfort you simply have to lower your standards. But this is not in your nature. You hang on tight to what you value, trust and know to be true. This means that you have to be patient. You are currently wondering whether you can possibly be wise to pursue a current course of action. Wonder all you wish, ultimately, it won't stop you from seeing it through - and nor should it.

nick and i are going through possibly the worst break up ever in the history of mankind.
the sort that is brutal. the kind that gets violent. the kind that doesn't make sense because we're both still in love. the sort that absolutely tears the entire world apart because we're losing our best friends.
haha. it got violent. isn't that insane? but it's true. and i know it's over. but it doesn't make it any easier.

how do you just walk away from the person you love the most?

i have never felt worse in my life.

august in bethany pretty much sums it up.

monday:
- girlfriend date with amanda, anne, and katie.
- consume fatima's, uncle louie g's, and white zin with said ladies. drunky fatties. mmmmm.

tuesday:
- vip passes to the harry potter screening at kips bay (with free refreshments and concession cards!) with sarah. my job pretty much rules.

wednesday:
- drinks with my katie-pie and alex whom i haven't seen since 2003.
- sad katie-pie from family drama, so i take her out to dinner and drinks at my new fave thai restaurant on st. mark's. tre delish.
- walk to dan's apartment on st. mark's so that i can play with wedgie, his brand new french bulldog puppy. cutest puppeh loaf in the world.

thursday:
- mike brown's art opening in chelsea! lots of new paltz faces! i was so happy to see megan, yay!
- delicious goodness at dojo's with lovely company.

friday:
- schlub around with amanda.
- go to the annex to meet up with cindy, who shows up late. befriended by hipster boy. hipster boy hangs out with me all night, we dance to peter bjorn & john. hipster boy makes out with me. hrm.
- get wallet, $200, credit cards, debit cards, IDs, ipod, and enV stolen. TOTALLY BOGUS. i hate everyone.
- bouncer asks if nick is my boyfriend. i scoff and say no (even though sometimes by accident i call him my boyfriend and sometimes when drunk and/or by accident he calls me his girlfriend). bouncer tells me he wants to be my boyfriend. i scoff. bouncer gives me cash money so that i can go home since all my junk is missing.
- i take cash money and nick takes me home. i call my dad around 4am whining. my dad asks me where i am and says he'll come "save" me. i tell him no, going home with nick. dad goes back to sleep. nick and i hop on subway where i sob a little because i'm a little drunk and a lot upset. okay, i could be a lot drunk actually.
- nick gives me his ipod shuffle. yay. but i still miss my stolen ipod. boo.
- nick makes me spaghetti. i fall asleep trying to eat spaghetti and watch a japanese movie at the same time.

saturday:
- daddy drives to queens and wait for me in front of nick's apartment. i get in his car, he lectures me, then hands me cash money for a new phone.
- nick and i use cell phone money on take out.
- we go see harry potter at the IMAX theatre at midnight. the finale is in 3D! fun is had even though fat man sitting next to nick eats twizzlers dipped in nacho cheese sauce throughout entire movie. vile.
- we play with iphones at the 24 hr. apple store on 5th avenue and then go home.
- nick makes tomato soup and grilled cheese and i fall asleep trying to watch yet another japanese movie.

sunday:
- amanda and jay take me to the verizon store for a new phone. I HATE VERIZON. i plunk down shy of four hundred dollars for a new phone that isn't the enV. jay likes my phone. daniel likes my phone. i'm not sure if i like my phone.
- amanda buys me a pair of pink kitten heels to cheer me up because my life is miserable and she is a good friend like that.
- we watch marie antoinette. sort of.

yesterday:
- nick calls to say his tummy hurts and will not hang out. this is okay because i am sitting on amanda and daniel's couch when he calls.
- we eat fatima's. again. i sort of am in love with fatima's.
- we watch the he-man/she-ra christmas special. it is so wrong on so many levels!
- we drink a lot of wine.
- amanda and i decide we will go to the gym at 6:45 am.

today:
- amanda calls me at 6:30 am. i do not hear my phone ring. i do not go to the gym. i am a fat mess and a terrible friend.
- nick and i may or may not hang out tonight. he is fickle. i am flaky. such is my life.

currently i feel weird butterflies in my stomach like something is awfully wrong. wrong. wrong. i think i'm going crazy a little bit because last night i cried for an hour and was hyperventilating over absolutely nothing. i might have freaked nick out a little bit because i was gasping and couldn't breathe and he had no idea what was wrong except for the fact that he kicked me in the butt (literally) a little while before my episode. so after me crying like a child and him calling me irrational last night, i woke up this morning to another fight with him because i am a little irrational and he's the grumpiest bunny in the world. it ended up with us basically barking our i love you's at one another and me storming out a half hour late for work. oops. a grumpy bunny and a pmsing princess do not mix well. at all.

but. on a happier note! the two of us have done a lot of fun things in the past two weeks! which included staying at my dad's all weekend because i had to dogsit, driving around and getting lost in all different parts of queens, playing with the puppies, playing mini-golf (and me losing by 35 points because it was my first try at putt-putt ever!), shopppping, watching the first two seasons of arrested development on dvd, transformers!! !! ! (which i loved but he only thought it was okay), going down to south street seaport in the rain to watch the fireworks (which was really sweet), a j-horror parody premiere at the japan society complete with a nerdy Q&A session with the director...and then last night and this morning's blowouts. oh. fun. nope!

natalie and i went to the peter bjorn & john show last night...and oh my. it was such a good time. those crazy swedes are so fun and quirky that it made having to stand through an hour of fujiya & miyagi entirely worth it. oh and of course au revoir simone was fantastic. i cannot stop listening to their new album. nor the new bloc party. as i'm typing this nat is either ordering us tickets to the voxtrot/au revoir simone show or the bloc party show in asbury park, nj. i think i'm going to opt for voxtrot so that i won't have to drive our fat asses down the shore to south jersey.

oh oh. and i got two new tattoos last weekend. thanks to the one on my left hip, there's a HUGE stain on the shirt i am wearing today...and it's my best (and favorite) office-appropriate button down too. dammit. my fifth tattoo is supposed to be done over memorial day weekend in vegas, with sarah and ang. and when i'm less broke, i'm going to get my first one from ages ago covered up. i also picked out another for either my lower back or my hip bones (can't decide which is less trashy, i'd like to get them on the back of my legs but we all know that is absolutely impossible for a girl working in one of the world's largest investment banks), but that one ain't gonna happen for a while cuz mama's poor.

really, i'm just writing here because i'm at work and bored and there's no one on aim. it's gorgeous out and i totally have senioritis.

pps.
friday night was one of the best nights i had in a really long time, thanks to jenn and her friend sal, and natalie and her friend alex (okay i guess alex didn't really play a part in my night but he was with nat so that's that). and even though my version of henry from accounting was a total wuss, it was all for the best. plus i'm sure i'll run into him again because i have seen him out four times in the past two weeks, from work lunches to dive bars. apparently my attempt at a cute outfit panned out because nick checked me out at the bar and was like "oh, cute girl!" then realized it was me and said "damn it." ha. oh. i also got my hair cut and colored and thermal waved and he was a fan. i guess we're also not fighting anymore because we're talking now...he came up to me at the bar after jenn and nat left to say he missed me and such. which worked since i missed his company too. wishy-washy boobooheads. he also asked me why i didn't kiss him the time he stayed in my dorm room back when i was still in college and he was up visiting sarah. and i told him 1. because floyd stayed in my room that weekend too! and 2. why would i have tried to kiss him? not like he tried to kiss me. and 3. why does it matter, it was at least 6 years ago! but in retrospect, i should've kissed him because i wanted to. but then again he didn't kiss me either, so really, we're even in that respect.

to balance out the great night i had on friday, saturday was positively one of the shittiest evenings i've experienced ever. i'm not even gonna go there because it was that lame, but all i have to say is this: i missed out on adventureland for no reason at all. dammit. was in bed by 2:30 and woken up at 4:33 by a very drunken?/stoned? nicholas. nope. i don't even know what i said to him i was so out of it and half asleep. my friends need to stop calling me in the middle of the night. between jenn, shawn, and nick's we're-nocturnal-and-don't-ever-sleep-before-sunrise calls and texts, i haven't had a single decent night's sleep in at least two weeks. i'm not complaining because i want to be there for them when they need me, but i don't get to sleep in like they do. how i wish i didn't have a yuppie scum job.

today - woke up at 7:00 am, drove out to mineola and had breakfast with sarah and ang before ditching shanon (not my idea at all) and heading to the commons in central valley. i got two new dresses and a necklace from betsey johnson. and a new bag from michael kors. and a new tokidoki le sportsac. and a new pair of lucky jeans. oh and a new tank top and dress from lucky too. oh and then a new halter dress and new t-shirt from american apparel. oh and new underwear and blouse from delias. and a pair of hot pink terry cloth shorts too. and not but not least, relish, queso dip, and trail mix from harry and david's. i should seriously consider cutting up my credit cards. yikes. then we had an early dinner at the cheesecake factory, where i picked up some strawberry cheesecake for my dad because he's too cute. my dad desperately wants me to move home when my lease is up and i don't want to break his heart, but ugh. really now.

ppps.
it's funny, i just saw him yesterday but it feels like it has been much longer than that. he told me yesterday morning before i fell asleep that he likes it when i smile at him. and of course that made me smile. what a tool.

pppps.
it was exactly a year ago yesterday that i randomly accosted him whilst drunk because i couldn't recognize who it was that i was talking to. oops.

ps. i wasn't talking about who you thought i was talking about.